


Russian Hats

by Frankenmacchardee



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Comedy, Episode: s11e05 Mac & Dennis Move to the Suburbs, Gen, Humor, Missing Scene, Season/Series 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-26 19:27:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30110874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frankenmacchardee/pseuds/Frankenmacchardee
Summary: Story behind the Russian hats in Mac & Dennis Move to the Suburbs
Relationships: Charlie Kelly & Dee Reynolds, Charlie Kelly & Dennis Reynolds, Charlie Kelly & Frank Reynolds, Dee Reynolds & Dennis Reynolds, Dee Reynolds & Frank Reynolds, Dennis Reynolds & Frank Reynolds
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	Russian Hats

As soon as Dee entered the bar, she tripped over a water hose and nearly fell face first onto the grimy floor. “Goddamn it, Charlie!” she yelled, correctly assuming that this was his fault. Dee followed the hose around the corner and down into the basement. She stopped when she got halfway down the stairs, finding Charlie attempting to fill the entire basement with water. “What are you doing?!” 

“Huh?” Charlie turned to face Dee and saw her looking bewildered by the imminent rat drowning. “Oh, the water?” 

“Yes, Charlie, the water.” 

“I’m gonna drown the rats...” Charlie rolled his shoulders, ready to bare his soul. “I can’t deal with the screaming anymore, man. It keeps me up at nigh-“

“Wow, really? Awesome.” Dee responded without paying any attention to what Charlie was saying. “How are you gonna get the water out once you’re done?” That question made Charlie pause, he hadn’t thought about that aspect of his plan. 

“It’ll dry.” Charlie guessed with a confident shrug of his shoulders.

“It’ll dry?” Dee sarcastically replied.

Charlie threw his hand up in the air out of frustration. “It’ll dry, things dry! I washed my hair this morning and now it’s not wet!” he made his illogical comparison, embarrassed that he’d planned this so poorly.

Dee quirked an eyebrow, doubting that claim. “You did not wash your hair this morning, Charlie.” God knows when he had last washed it.

“I did too, you goddamn bitch!” Dee raised her other eyebrow too, not buying it. “I- Wel- Whatever, man, I could’ve...” Charlie tossed the hose to the ground and walked upstairs to get a beer.

“Where’s Frank? I need money.” Dee asked as she followed Charlie upstairs.

“At home, I guess. He said he was gonna bring home this Russian hooker last night so I slept in the bar. I can’t keep sleeping in the closet, there’s just too much stuff in there, y’know?” Charlie cracked his neck, still in pain from the last time he slept in the closet. He opened himself a beer, and Dee gestured for one too.

“There’s an incredibly easy solution here, Charlie. Stop sharing a bed.”

“Oh, I’m sorry! We can’t all be born with a silver spoon in our mouths and two beds in our apartments!” Charlie patronizingly exclaimed, hurting Dee’s eardrums with his volume. He crouched down and vigorously shook Dee’s beer before placing it in front of her.

“Frank is a multi-millionaire!”

Charlie opened his mouth to hurl something back at Dee, but was stumped by that comment. “Okay, well... Most people share a bed, it’s not weird. Don’t make it weird.”

“Most guys share a bed with their girlfriends, not with a seventy year old troll.” Dee jibed, too distracted by her phone to open her goddamn beer. Charlie shuffled in place, too impatient for this suspense.

“Well when I marry the waitress, I’ll share my futon with her instead. Just drink your goddamn beer, Dee. It’s gonna get warm and gross.” Charlie picked up the beer and gestured towards the cold activated mountains. “Doesn’t it look delicious?...”

“It does look delicious...” Dee grabbed the beer from Charlie. “The waitress is never gonna marry you. I just don’t get why you like her so much, she’s such a bitc-“ Dee’s beer exploded all over her when she popped open the cap. She growled and wiped the beer from her eyes, furious at Charlie. “This shirt was a hundred dollars, cocksucker!” Dee shouted.

“You wouldn’t need Frank’s money all the time if you stopped buying ugly shirts, you cunt!” Charlie yelled, trying to make Dee feel small. Her eyes grew wide with rage, flaring her nostrils like an angry bull. Frank toddled into the bar before either of them could throw the first punch. The Russian hat he was wearing was bizarre enough to distract them from their fight entirely. “What’s with the...” Charlie gestured around his own head. “Fluffy thing, man?“

“Yeah, it’s like 90 degrees outside, Frank.”

“Right, I’m boiling here, dude.” Charlie didn’t need to tell anybody that, the stench exuding from him was evidence enough. “It’s kinda making me believe in global heating.” Charlie admitted, and Dee saw no point in telling him that it was called global _warming_ for the fifth time that month. 

With a spring in his step, Frank hopped onto his bar stool. “My whore told me about ‘em, they keep your body cool by making your head hot.” Frank said, as if he was selling them door to door. 

“That can’t possibly be true.” Dee replied in a snarky tone. Charlie on the other hand raised his eyebrows, incredibly impressed by Frank’s claim. 

“For real?!” Charlie asked, absolutely enthralled. 

“I’m tellin’ you Charlie, I’ve never felt colder.” Frank confidently remarked.

“No, that is just preposterous.” Dee asserted, shaking her head.

“I’m serious, Deandra. Your body, it focuses all of the heat on your head, that way the rest of your body feels cold.” Frank persuasively replied, truly believing his own nonsense. Dee rolled her eyes and gave up on convincing Frank otherwise.

“No, yeah, yeah, I think I read about that somewhere once!” Charlie agreed, making Dee furrow her brow. He couldn’t goddamn read. “You got one for me, Frankie?!” Charlie animatedly asked, keen to wear one immediately. It was one of the most awesome things he’d ever seen, second only to the duster. 

Frank smirked and reached into the garbage bag he’d walked in with. “You know I do.” Frank proudly handed the Russian hat to Charlie, who chortled with excitement and rushed to put it on. 

“Frankaaay!” Charlie yelled, ecstatic with his new Russian hat.

“...Why was it in a garbage bag?” Dee asked, leaning down to try and see inside the bag. 

“None of your goddamn business.” Frank grumbled, quickly snatching the bag away from her sight. That only made Dee more curious. Why were Charlie and Frank so enamoured by trash?

Dennis stormed through the doors, tightly clutching a flask of coffee. “Goddamn hot one today!” he bitterly yelled, then began to mutter to himself. The suburban traffic had pushed his already volatile buttons. The rest of the gang watched Dennis as he put down his flask and opened a beer, listening to him angrily talking to himself. It was very entertaining. Apparently someone was a fat cow. Dennis finally looked at them once he’d had a sip of beer, and slowly lowered his bottle back down when he noticed Charlie and Frank’s hats. He narrowed his eyes at them, barely containing yelling. “Why?” Dennis curtly whispered. 

“Why what?” Frank earnestly asked.

“Yeah, man, what’re you even talking about?” Charlie scoffed, like he wasn’t wearing a goddamn Russian hat in the middle of a heatwave. Dennis coldly stared at them whilst he tried to stop his rage from becoming untethered. Following Dennis’ eye-line, Charlie looked across at Frank’s hat. “Oh, the haaaats.” Charlie chuckled. Dennis aggressively pretended to laugh; Dee grimaced on instinct, since that laugh was usually directed towards her. Charlie happily nodded along, completely oblivious that Dennis had clearly faked his cackle.

“A Russian whore told me about ‘em.” Frank responded. Dennis tightly furrowed his brow, he looking to Dee and found her seeming irritated by this nonsense, but also desensitised to it.

“The whore told you that they _exist?_ Wha- what does tha- Why are you wearing them?!” Dennis shouted, growing more aggravated.

“They’re to keep us cold, obviously.” Charlie nonchalantly explained.

“Obviously.” Frank mumbled without a trace of sarcasm. Dennis smashed his bottle against the wall.


End file.
